Updated: Mar 16, 2020
Some of us have reached a point where our thoughts – fears, regrets, resentments, ruminations – have become too heavy to bare. We may not know how we’ve gotten to this stage, how the pain has gotten so pervasive.
For some, the pain has manifested physically - anxiety and panic attacks, attacks of anger and rage – and physical disease. For myself, there was a constant feeling of fear – as though there was something just around the corner, waiting to get me. Mentally, my mind would race, depicting worst-case-scenarios, and there didn’t seem to be a pause or a stop button. Strangely enough, I had had an awakening, and was on a spiritual journey – the fact that I was suffering these intensely toxic thoughts seemed to not make sense, and I was ashamed.
But eventually I came to realise that this mental anguish was a part of the transformation, the unraveling - a coming undone of the old conditioning. I now know that this process of surrendering is part of the awakening - we are becoming more acutely aware of how the conditioned mind, the ego – has to be transcended so that we can be reborn. In my own journey, as I began to embody this awareness - it became more apparent that - engaging with that voice in my head was a double-edged sword. Yes, it was familiar and easy to continue using my thoughts as a guide - however, the guidance would never bring me any peace, or happiness -but most oftentimes, the exact opposit - my thoughts always inevitably led me to more pain and suffering. The connection between suffering and this 'voice in my head' - was becoming clearer and clearer.
In fact, the dysfunction that I was experiencing was that I was constantly responding to something I didn’t choose. I was experiencing toxic and negative thoughts on repeat - thoughts which contain false beliefs – but none of these thoughts were of my conscious choosing – they simply popped up into my mind – and I believed them, which created a sense of powerlessness – I felt like a victim, that was my starring role in this 'play of life', because the core belief underlying these thoughts is that we are powerless, a victim of the dangers that plague this world . The truth is, that we are being ruled by an unconscious ego, which creates and fuels this illusion– but once you begin to witness the ego in action – to observe it from a distance, it will begin to lose its power, and in turn, you will begin to realise your true power.
I have seen it in myself and many others – the reason we suffer is because we are being constantly bombarded by false messages and beliefs - the problem is that we believe these thoughts, these thoughts run on repeat in our minds for years, and they then become entrenched beliefs, hence, we are stripped of our power because of this toxic mental conditioning. And it is only until we become so constricted by our thoughts and beliefs – that we begin to surrender, and begin to awaken.
So, if it has reached this point, if you are experiencing this turmoil - consider this a blessing, and a life-changing opportunity to become aware, to outgrow your old conditioning and debunk these false beliefs. Trust that this process can transform you, break you open – and free you.