2018 was a year of devastatingly broken dreams and of birthing brand new ones, it was a year that started out with disintegration, dissolution, the intense pain of loss : first the fiancé, the job, the mind. It all went, and finally, I allowed it. I arrived in Portugal, living near my guru’s Ashram, living in what felt like a self made mental prison. the choice had now become : life or death (escape)? Not a theory, I knew that this was a real fork in the road and one I did not take for granted.
When I initially arrived, the question I grappled with, what/ where is home? Will I ever find my way back to it? I remember my host, the beautiful Arupa, said, my dear, home is your heart. But I didn’t understand what that meant. I was left alone with just my thoughts; in this self imposed exile, I jumped into a wormhole and allowed myself to fall. I wanted nothing false to revive me, as I had no compromise left in my system. I accepted the shadow of death because I came to understand that it also meant taking back my life. I had always known the miracle of this journey, only I had forgotten myself along the way. And that was the biggest blow.
So it turned out to be a year of miracles and wormholes. Of death, rebirth and deep transmutation. I began to understand the real meaning of soul family, and that within our fractals, we truly are walking one another Home. I was held in an embrace of pure love; and I was willing to let go of whatever stood in the way of it. Such was the pain, it was a teacher and my salvation.
I reclaimed depths of myself that I’d lost. The journey into grace and forgiveness had become, in my experience, the only real journey that we, as humans, take. And I have not forgotten how painful it is to forget. Each moment is an opportunity to Remember, not just the light but also the darkness, for we need both to access the essential wisdom of Love, such is this miraculous pathway of wisdom and grace.
I know now, looking back, that this journey of dissolution meant that grace had entered me, but why? And how? Perhaps, it was a moment in hell where I was truly willing to cast aside all strategy and just allow the fire to burn all those layers that kept me from my own true, clear seeing.
My life since has continued along this pathway, of growing deeper into the truth of the heart and it is a miracle, every moment, even when everything appears to be less than perfect. This is the truth I continue to choose to keep growing in, this emotional womb of God that we are each a part of, that loves us more than even our deepest of longings.
I am grateful that I had, since childhood, looked at life starting at the very end - from one’s deathbed backwards - from that point of view, from that knowing - what choice do we have, what are we afraid of, but meeting all parts of our humanity as we traverse this mythic journey. We are not here to take things with us, but to embrace them and let them go.
And finally this I have learned - when the weight of the un-forgiveness, of the broken expectations, of the unacceptable, of the doubt, when these become just too heavy to bare - that is grace, and once we are touched by it, we are forever changed