For me growing up, my mind was a refuge. Because I couldn’t process the complexities of my environment and emotions, I retreated into my thoughts for comfort. My fantasies were something I created, directed, and felt comforted by. However, this was a double-edged sword, for my mind also proved to be a hostile and judgmental environment.
As my mind sought to protect me, its programming became more hostile towards the outer world. And, as it became hostile, fear became more prominent, and I felt more and more afraid, distrustful and disconnected. Eventually, life had become unmanageable and I could barely process the constant stream of negative and toxic thoughts that filled my inner world, moment by moment. Life became dark, heavy, and burdensome. And even at this stage, as I suffered from depression, anxiety, and intense fear – I still went to my thoughts for help, seeking comfort, seeking solutions.
It was actually a very difficult process for me to admit that I had developed an unhealthy dependency on my mind (not to mention the fact that this is the norm in our society, an assumed 'truth' that we don't normally question) and that this dependency was causing me a lot of suffering. I had to first become deeply aware of my relationship to my mind and the way it was shaping my perception and relationship to life. I had to admit, and become aware, that my identity had become one in the same with my thought processes.
Through grace, I reached a point in my journey, wherein I was willing to try something radically new, to delve outside of my comfort zone, in hopes of creating a new lease on life. It was at this point I began to 'watch the watcher' and sought out to discover my true nature. This was when I began the process of embodying presence on a moment to moment basis.
At first, it was difficult to put a stop to the habitual train of thoughts that would constantly flood my mind. But, the more I practiced, the freer I felt, and my life began to change. I began to have a much larger perspective on life, I became the observer, and in this way, stepped outside of my old life. As I observed, and allowed myself to be present, as the observer, I grew spiritually, and instead of seeking comfort from my mind, I began to seek comfort through the "I" that watched. This produced a sense of spaciousness and peace that became a new source of comfort, one which was pure and did not act as a double-edged sword, as the mind had done.
I have come to realise that the mind is not meant to fill the role of protector, leader, or guide.
As I continued this method of embodying presence, and watching the "I", Spirit began to lead the way, and this for me, triggered a shift in consciousness and opened the door into a new paradigm. I was never to be the same again. As I became more present, breaking the bondage of my identification with thought, unraveling the many layers of conditioning that prevented me from connecting to my truth, I realized that this is where I landed - in my heart centre, where Spirit and Source intersect. It in in this center, that I choose to remain, moment by moment, placing me in the perfect position to receive Spirit's guidance, abundance, love, and joy.